When others are not doing their jobs {well}

1 Apr

When others are not doing their jobs (well)!

When others brouillon-5

Here is a question from a reader :

“Hi, I’m aware that I complain a lot, mainly at my work. For years now, I’ve observed that conscientious and respectful people are becoming harder to find. Every day I depend on businesses and administrators to move my work forward. Either their work is not done, or it contains errors. I constantly have to start over, explain, double check the work, and WAIT. So I am moaning to people over the phone and via email… How can I handle this? – Maryse


Dear Maryse,

Thank you for your question, it is quite relevant! I am certain many readers are also confronted with this issue. I will attempt to help you with the lessons I learned in undertaking the challenge “I quit complaining (and bitching).”

As I read your message I tell myself that the real question is:

Is it okay to feel the victim of others and their behavior?

We think pointing at all the culprits in our lives puts us in a stronger position (and that hopefully our complaints will cause the other person’s attitude to change) but in the end we end up punishing ourselves.

Complaining does not help make others want to meet our needs (quite the contrary). They will either want to distance themselves or become defensive. At best, others will bend to our incessant demands because they will grow tired of our complaints, but in the end our real need will not be satisfied – the need for cooperation or collective contribution. We will have to wield the ‘stick’ to make others bend to our needs tomorrow again (and it is exhausting to always be the controlling one).

Yes, co-workers often make mistakes and are late… It is part of the challenges of group work and community life. And yes, if we want, we can find plenty of evidence that people are not conscientious or respectful enough. But what if we could free ourselves of those judgments?

And what would happen if you refused to feel a victim in this situation? You could then pay attention to what you could actually do to improve the contribution of all, and on the concrete steps you could take by inspiring instead of threatening.


6 steps to communicate so that you can be heard

3 Mar

A few months ago I wrote an article titled: Learning to express our needs and frustrations differently.part 1 and part 2

Today I want to share with you a visual that I have created to remind myself of this process. I printed it, taped it to my fridge and I am using it everyday.

Because sometimes we do have something to say to the people around us. We do need them to help us meet our needs. But it’s not always easy to communicate. The more important the need is, the more chances we have to slip into our blaming and complaining habit and let’s face it it’s exhasuting to complain and not feel heard.

6 steps canva

I am not a victim!

4 Feb

We are the victim when it comes to our boss, our job (or our lack of employment), the political crisis, our spouse, our family… you’ll notice that we often talk about ourselves as victims. We expend a lot of energy pointing out it’s not our fault – it’s the other person’s fault (our spouse, our children, our boss, our colleague, the President, the administration, service providers) we are in this mess !

I found out for myself that I had managed to develop a talent for pointing the finger at the culprits in my life. In a way it’s fun to be a victim because if the others are wrong then I am necessarily right. If the other person is guilty then it is up to him to find a solution to the problem, not me. But in the end, what this means (annoyingly enough) is that if the blame is squarely on the other person, I am powerless to do anything.

I have the power to choose to not be a victim! (2)

It is true that it is often easier to be a victim than someone who acts, but when I decide that I am the victim I no longer have the power to take control of my life. In the end, it’s me who suffers the real consequences. Wouldn’t you agree ?

When I cast myself as a victim I choose to give my power to the person who is supposedly “guilty.” By pointing the finger I make them the master of my destiny. I realized one day that I was able to refuse to function this way and I have no doubt that you can as well.

We talk to our friends, our relatives, our colleagues, about our lives because we need to interact and share our problems and, yes, that is an inherent part of love and friendship, as are compassion and support… All that is good. I am not saying that we cannot discuss our problems and share our suffering, far from it. But we have the power to REFUSE to cast ourselves as victims of anything, or anyone.

This is one of the biggest revelations of my life, that I was casting myself as a victim and I could easily choose not to.

I think it’s amazing to realize that we have that choice !

By looking at how we talk about ourselves and our problems, we have the choice to either give our power to the so-called culprits… Or not.

Imagine, if you are a no longer a victim, if others are not guilty… Then anything is possible ! No ?

Today is not just another day !

11 Jan

Today is not just another day… This day has been given to you. It’s a gift !

Open your eyes and look at the sky, at the face of people around you. Open your heart and see the beauty that is surrounding you.

Gratitude: The Short Film by Louie Schwartzberg from ecodads on Vimeo.

We are so good at complaining about all those times when life (and others) don’t meet our expectations. As 2016 is just starting, how about letting go of our resistance to enjoy our “not always very sexy lives”?

How about learning to embrace this life as it it. Simply beautiful and perfect (despite all its imperfections !).




Making 2016 awesome !

6 Jan


New year…New intention!

6 Jan

For some time now, I have been in the habit of adopting a keyword at the beginning of each year. This keyword is for me like an arrow aimed at life. It is an intention, a direction, a color, a flavor I want to bring to the heart of my daily life, my thoughts, my decisions and my actions.


During the year I chose the keyword “Epic”, that daily affirmation gave me the courage to overcome my biggest fear, getting on the stage of TEDx. This is also the year when I dared to lead my first seminar, WAKE UP, in France and the year I tried to get out of the water on a wake board (and succeeded). This is a year where I chose to put myself in personally challenging situations to have a little more fun (actually a lot more fun!) with life.

When I chose the keyword “Dance” I started to give myself permission to go dancing more often. I embraced dance not only as an occasional week-end  activity but as an appointment that I made with myself during the week – often during my office hours! That year I chose to train for  my NIA white belt on a ranch in Texas. This is the year when I realized that dance for me was not something frivolous – it is a connection with my body, my heart, my soul. I understood that to continue to create and generate great ideas, it is vital that I spend a few hours regularly barefoot twirling on the floor.

Finally, 2015 the year “Impact” was the year I focused on structuring my activities to better serve humanity. I translated “J’arrête de râler” (“I Quit Complaining”) into English and I managed to get a contract with an American literary agent. This is also the year when I decided to surround myself with a new, brilliant and efficient team who can anticipate my needs and allow me to focus on what I do best – sharing my message, writing, speaking, and giving clarity and support to my coaching clients.

In 2016, I want to put the word CONTRIBUTION at the heart of my intentions and ambitions, and with that word the fundamental question that I invite you to explore:

What is the contribution I wish to bring to humanity?

Personally, in 2016, I want to commit myself 100% to helping people who want to activate their brilliance and contribute  their lives in service to their community. (Even the smallest contribution we make impacts society at large.) I want to help those who wish to align their lives with their deepest desires and what they can bring to others. I want to empower all those who wish to transform their work into a life mission. I will be 100% commited to helping them awaken their purpose  and activate their talent. It is this desire for contribution that made me decide to launch the first WAKE UP forum, which will take place on March 18-20, 2016 in Lyon ( FRance). A FORUM of exchange and interaction open to larger numbers of people, so that together we can reflect on the four fundamentals  principles that prevent us from living life half-asleep. A place where, surrounded by people on the same path, everyone can focus on the direction they want for their life. A place of ​​brilliance and ambition so we can quit complaining and become DARING entrepreneurs of our own lives, the actors of tomorrow’s world.

This intent, the keyword CONTRIBUTION becomes a reference for me, an axis, a statement on awakening that helps me stay on the path I have chosen to follow. It helps me to stay connected with my inner strength, particularly when I meet obstacles in everyday life. (And who doesn’t?) It is not intended to replace your New Year’s resolution and can even give it more impact.

And you, what is the arrow that you wish to aim at life? What is the first word that comes to your mind?

What is the intent that lies in your heart and will give a direction, flavor, bright color to your everyday life?

Why complaining is literally killing you ?

31 Dec

The Science of Happiness: Why complaining is literally killing you.

By Steven Parton, From CuriousApes.com

Sometimes in life, all the experience and knowledge simmering around in that ol’ consciousness of ours combines itself in a way that suddenly causes the cerebral clockwork to click into place, and in this fluid flow of thought we find an epiphany rising to the surface.

One such point for me came in my junior year at University. It changed the way I viewed the world forever as it catapulted me out of the last of my angsty, melancholic youth and onto a path of ever-increasing bliss. Sounds like I’m verging on feeding you some new-agey, mumbo-jumbo, doesn’t it? Well, bear with me, because I assure you the point here is to add some logical evidence to the ol’ cliches, to give you what I would consider my Science of Happiness.

At the time of this personal discovery, I was pursuing a double-major in Computer Science and Psychology. Aside from these declared interest, I also had an affinity for (Eastern) Philosophy and Neuroscience. This led to semester course load comprising of two 300-level psychology courses, one 300-level philosophy course, and a graduate-level artificial intelligence course for both biology and computer science majors. This amalgamation of studies quickly tore my brain into a dozen directions, and when I put the pieces back together, I found myself resolute with rational reasons for optimism and for removing from my life the people who liked to complain.

1.  “Synapses that fire together wire together.”

This was the first phrase my AI professor told the classroom, and to this day it is still one of the most profound bits of logic I hold onto in order to dictate the decisions of my life. The principle is simple: Throughout your brain there is a collection of synapses separated by empty space called the synaptic cleft. Whenever you have a thought, one synapse shoots a chemical across the cleft to another synapse, thus building a bridge over which an electric signal can cross, carrying along its charge the relevant information you’re thinking about. It’s very similar to how nerves carry electric from the sensation in your toe all the way up to your brain where it’s actually “felt”.
Here’s the kicker: Every time this electrical charge is triggered, the synapses grow closer together in order to decrease the distance the electrical charge has to cross. This is a microcosmic example of evolution, of adaptation. The brain is rewiring its own circuitry, physically changing itself, to make it easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together–in essence, making it easier for the thought to trigger. Therefore, your first mystical scientific evidence: your thoughts reshape your brain, and thus are changing a physical construct of reality. Let that sink in for a moment before you continue, because that’s a seriously profound logic-bomb right there.

Your thoughts reshape your brain, and thus are changing a physical construct of reality.

2.  Shortest Path Wins the Race. 

Beyond the absolutely incredible fact that your brain is always doing this, consistently shifting and morphing with every thought, even more exciting is the fact that the synapses you’ve most strongly bonded together (by thinking about more frequently) come to represent your default personality: your intelligence, skills, aptitudes, and most easily accessible thoughts(which are more-or-less the source of your conversation skills).
Let’s dig deeper into the logic behind that. Consider you have two pairs of people throwing a ball back and forth. One pair stands ten feet apart, the other at a distance of 100 feet. One partner from each team throws their ball to their respective partners at the exact same moment with the exact same speed. The first team that catches the ball gets to dictate your personal decision and mental state of mind.
So which team will get the ball first? Basic physics of distance, time, velocity tell us that it will always be the pair standing 10 feet apart. Well this is basically how your thoughts work. Through repetition of thought, you’ve brought the pair of synapses that represent your proclivities closer and closer together, and when the moment arises for you to form a thought ( and thus throw our metaphorical ball of electric energy), the thought that wins is the one that has less distance to travel, the one that will create a bridge between synapses fastest.

3.  Acceptance vs Regret, Drift vs Desire, Love Vs Fear. 

In the time of my scholastic renaissance, this is where Eastern Philosophy came in and handed me a sort of Occam’s Razor of simplicity that I could use to strengthen my forming ideology.
It was simple, every time a moment came my way and brought with it a chance for reactive thought, my two choices were simple, regardless of the flavor you put on them: Love or Fear; Acceptance or Regret; Drift or Desire; Optimism or Pessimism.
And now, my friends, we have our two pairs playing catch.

Naturally, for my own well-being, I realized that all I wanted to do was move the pair of lovers closer together so they would always beat the fearful, pessimistic pair.And so I began to implement a practice into my life of loving everything that came my way, accepting it while relinquishing the need for control. The Buddhists say that the universe is suffering, and I believe this is because the universe is chaos, and thus by its very nature out of our control. When we try to force desires, we are bound to find innumerable occasions where the universe will not comply. And so I decided to stop desiring to the point of attachment. I started to practice the acceptance that Buddhists speak upon, to Drift in the Tao, to accept the natural flow with an optimistic love, to say to every moment that came my way, good or bad, “thank you for the experience and the lesson, and now bring on the next moment so I can give it the same love.” Over and over I did this, moving those synapses closer and closer together, to the point where any synapses in my brain associated with sadness, regret, pessimism, fear, desire, melancholy, depression, etc had a smaller and smaller chance of triggering before the synapses of love gave me my reaction, my thoughts, my personality. And so my default state become one of optimism and appreciation, and the illusory burdens I attached to this existence lessened.
Now, as I pointed out, nature appreciates chaos, and our brain is no different. And so it’s important that I point out that this obviously is not a fool proof practice that will completely eradicate negativity from your consciousness; sometimes emotion weighs too heavy and sometimes the pair that catches the chemical charge will be the negative one; but, like any muscle, if you exercise those loving synapses enough, you will find yourself in possession of a new innate strength that will make the world shine more beautifully far more frequently. You will also find yourself being far more happy because of better health–which I’ll get to in just a moment, but hold on, because we’ve got one more point to discuss beforehand.
4.  Mirror-Neurons. 

So if your mind hadn’t already exploded when you learned you could alter reality with your thoughts, you may want to get ready for it. Because guess what? It’s not just your thoughts that can alter your brain and shift those synapses; the thoughts of those around you can do it as well.
If there’s any ability that truly separates us from our primate ancestors, it’s that of imagination. It’s the root of all art and architecture, of the (fictional) stories that formed religions that now control the lives of billions—even to the point of war over which fairytale is the “right one.”
That human failing aside, imagination lets us live in the past and in the future, and by escaping the present moment we can use our memories of the past to predict what will happen in the future; ie: I know from past experience that fire burns skin, so I know inside my minds-eye that if I stick my hand into a fire I will lose my flesh. This is so instinctual we don’t even recognize it’s constantly happening with every symbol that we’re perceiving in our day-to-day moments. But it is this ability that allows us to navigate the complexity of our society. Even more exciting is the fact that this skill also works with emotions, not just situations.
The premise, again, is quite simple: When we see someone experiencing an emotion ( be it anger, sadness, happiness, etc), our brain “tries out” that same emotion to imagine what the other person is going through. And it does this by attempting to fire the same synapses in your own brain so that you can attempt to relate to the emotion you’re observing. This is basically empathy. It is how we get the mob mentality, where a calm person can suddenly find themselves picking up a pitchfork against a common enemy once they’re influenced by dozens of angry minds. It is our shared bliss at music festivals, or our solidarity in sadness during tragedies.
But it is also your night at the bar with your friends who love love love to constantly bitch, whether it’s about their job, the man, the government, or about their other so-called friend’s short-comings, or whatever little thing they can pick apart in order to lift themselves up and give themselves some holier-than-thou sense of validation when you nod your head in acquiescence, agreeing like a robot afraid of free-thought : “Totally, man. It’s bullshit.”
But it’s not bullshit. It’s life, it’s chaos, and as you continually surround yourself with this attitude, you are continually trying out this attitude by firing the synapses in your brain. And as I explained above, every time you fire these synapses, you’re reshaping your brain. This is why it is so important to spend time with people who lift you up, because your friends are moving those fearful, cynical, pessimistic synapses closer together, making your default, short-path-personality as jaded and bitter as your peers. Want to be happy? Surround yourself with happy people who rewire your brain towards love, not towards fear of being invalidated. [[EDIT 11/8/15 : I’m NOT saying don’t be there for friends who are having a hard time and need an ear or who need to work through a difficult situation. Nor am I saying you can’t be critical about the failings and injustices in the world. Positive change usually requires critical thought.]]
5.  Stress will kill you. 

You see, the thing about all this negativity, of regretting, of attachment to desires, of pointless complaining about impermanent things that will always continue to pass in an existence where time moves forward—the thing is: it all causes stress. When your brain is firing off these synapses of anger, you’re weakening your immune system; you’re raising your blood pressure, increasing your risk of heart disease, obesity and diabetes, and a plethora of other negative ailments–as psychologytoday points out below.
The stress hormone, cortisol, is public health enemy number one. Scientists have known for years that elevated cortisol levels: interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, increase weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease… The list goes on and on.Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy. This week, two separate studies were published inScience linking elevated cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resilience—especially in adolescence.Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism. — psychologytoday

And if you need more evidence for the damaging effects of stress, there are innumerable more studies that show the negative impacts of pessimism, bitterness, and regret on your health. Here’s one from the MayoClinic and another from APA.

The bottom line is this:

The universe is chaotic, from unpreventable superstorms of wind and rain, to unpredictable car accidents or to the capricious whims of our peers whose personal truths even have the ability to emotionally damage or physically hurt others. And every moment holds the potential to bring you any one of these things, any shade along the gradient of spirit-soaring bliss and soul-crushing grief.

But regardless of what it brings your way, your choice is simple: Love or Fear. And yes, I understand it’s hard to find happiness on those nights when you feel like you’re all alone in the world, when a loved one passes, when you fail that test or get fired from that job; But when these moments come, you do not have to live in regret of them, you don’t have to give them constant negative attention and allow them to reshape your brain to the point that you become a bitter, jaded, cynical old curmudgeon that no longer notices that the very fact that they’re alive means they get to play blissfully in this cosmic playground where you get the godlike power of choice.

What you can do is say; “Yes, this sucks. But what’s the lesson? What can I take away from this to make me a better person? How can I take strength from this and use it to bring me closer to happiness in my next moment?” You see, a failed relationship or a bad day doesn’t have to be a pinion to your wings, it can be an updraft that showcases to you what things you like and don’t like, it can show you the red flags so that you can avoid them. If there was a personality your ex-partner had that drove you insane, then you now have the gift of knowing you don’t want to waste your time with another partner who acts the same way.

If you are mindful to the lessons of the failures, there is no reason that you can’t make the default of every day better than the one before it. Do something new everyday, learn its lesson, choose love over fear, and make every day better than the last. The more you do this, the more you will see and appreciate the beauty of this existence, and the happier you’ll be.

By Steven Parton, From CuriousApes.com
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